C-section Birth Trauma: My Journey in Processing and Healing

Whatever your reason for having a C-section, one thing I know for sure is that the decision wasn’t an easy one. That is, if you were able to make the decision.

Your feelings pre, during and post C-section are valid.

Your Cesarean birth experience may have felt supportive, uneventful and straightforward. For that, we can be grateful.

But for some, the C-section experience may have left you with heavy feelings or even trauma. The feelings associated with birth trauma may have hit you immediately, or you might find yourself processing your experience months, even years later. Both are normal. (Click here to download my free C-section healing meditation).

I want to preface this discussion by suggesting professional support, if you feel even the slightest nudge. There are therapists and healers that work specifically with people who have experienced birth trauma and PTSD. This post is not intended as a substitute for professional support along your journey. Further, there is NO shame in seeking professional help.

How might you feel if you’ve experienced birth trauma?

You may have feelings about your birth that are difficult to process.

It may be that things didn’t go to plan, or you didn’t feel supported and heard.

You may have felt violated or out of control.

You may have been separated from your baby.

It may be that your labor took a turn and you and your baby’s health were compromised.

It can mean a lot of things, and there’s a wide spectrum of ‘trauma.’ 

Your feelings are valid. Your experience is important. You are important, and I’m glad you’re here.

Healing the guilt from my C-section

I remembered getting the epidural, my body falling limp onto the operating table and feeling cold during the surgery. I remembered hearing my son cry, attempting to hold him and asking someone to take him because I was shaking so bad after surgery. Then nothing, until I woke up a few hours later.

I panicked when the drugs started to wear off after my C-section. I came to and found myself in an unfamiliar room, no longer pregnant, but my son wasn’t in my arms.

I asked my boyfriend (now husband) “Where is the baby?! How did we get here?” My baby was sent to the nursery, with strangers, while I was in recovery. It was the hospital’s weekend protocol, since they didn’t have sufficient staffing for a nurse to care for each of us.

My mind was racing… “He’s been all alone. He must think we don’t love him. What has he eaten? Did anyone hold him? Has he been crying this entire time?”

Inside I felt guilt, shame, and incapable as a new mother. From the outside I heard iterations of, “just be happy you’re both healthy.”

Since my Cesarean was ‘uneventful’ and without complication, I felt like I was supposed to be happy. And while I was grateful for that, I stuffed my feelings deep down and went through the motions that come with brand new motherhood.

A few years later, as I planned my vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) to include immediate skin to skin, I felt mega guilt for my first born.

I beat myself up for not knowing better the first time around, for not knowing my options, and for putting my health in the hands of my providers.

I wish I could tell you that healing those feelings happened overnight, or after one session.

The truth is that the path to healing isn’t linear, and we heal in layers.

Sometimes the thing we are working through resurfaces… again and again.

Give yourself grace and love yourself through the healing process. You’re doing the best you can.

Journaling through unpacking your C-section

I found these journal prompts to be very insightful as I began to work through my feelings about the C-section.

• What did your Cesarean make you feel about yourself as a Mother?

• What did it make you feel about your body and it’s abilities?

• How did it impact the start of your motherhood journey (even #2 or #3)?

• What did it mean about the kind of mother that you are?

What do I know to be true?

A snippet of my answers to this question: 

I am an amazing Mother.

I love my son to the deepest of my being.

My body is perfect no matter what type of birth I had.

My start in motherhood may not have been ideal, but it was part of our story.

Having a C-section didn’t make me any less of a Mother.

Positive Motherhood Affirmations

Writing these and speaking them to myself when those feelings return have been incredibly helpful. I shift my thoughts into positive statements.

For example, my original feeling of incapable as a Mom became this affirmation, “I am an amazing Mother.”

My original feeling that my body was unable to birth became, “My body is perfect and capable of incredible things.”

To help you along your own healing journey, download my free C-section Healing Meditation.