Episode 207. I said I was dancing with grief and the universe delivered
Hey everyone, grief journey update ahead. The last episode dropped on September 5th, a Thursday, and the feedback I got really warmed my heart. Some of you shared kind words, and it felt good to know my vulnerability resonated with you, especially when it comes to grief.
But, honestly? I’ve been dragging my feet about recording again. Maybe it was a vulnerability hangover, or maybe I just needed some time. When we left off last episode, I was talking about how I was dancing with my grief. Well, let me tell you how the universe delivered.
On September 6th, the day after sharing the most recent episode, my dad had a birthday party in his building—music, champagne, dancing, the works. When I walked in, he was already in his element, dancing and having a great time.
It was beautiful to see him enjoying himself, but when he noticed me and gestured for me to join him, I was hit with a wave of overwhelming emotion. The last time I had danced with my dad was at my wedding in 2015, nine years ago. The emotions hit me like a bag of bricks. I suddenly felt like I couldn’t handle it. I considered passing on the offer because I was afraid of losing my composure. But then I gave myself a quick pep talk, “Get it together! You’re not going to miss this chance.”
So, I went out there, and I’m not gonna lie—I lost it. I ugly cried right in front of everyone. Talk about a vulnerability moment! I know I’ve said that crying is healthy, and it is, but doing it in front of a room full of people is a whole different ball game.
It felt like the universe was reminding me, “Hey, you said you wanted to dance with your grief. So here you go.” And that’s exactly what I did. I ugly cried and danced with my dad for the first half of the song, and it was intense. I realized that I was not just dancing with my grief, but also with my dad’s grief—his loss of my mom, the love of his life, despite how many years it had been since they were together.
Sometimes I get so caught up in my own grief that I forget he’s grieving too. He’s been dealing with this since April, and it hit me that we were both in this dance together.
I felt it was important to share this moment because I needed a bridge to move forward from our last conversation. I hope this resonates with some of you who might also need that transition. It’s okay to feel sad, to be vulnerable, and to express those feelings—especially in a world that often tells us otherwise.
So, as you listen, remember it’s okay to dance with your grief, to cry when you need to, and to pep talk yourself into facing those tough emotions. Here’s to a week of honoring our feelings—whatever they may be. xo
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Transcript:
So I have really been dragging my feet on getting back behind the microphone after the last episode. So the last one came out September 5th, which was a Thursday. And the feedback felt really good to me. The messages, a couple of people shared it and just said some kind words My vulnerability and speaking on things that really seemed to land with people and their grief for different reasons.
, and interestingly, I don't know if it was a vulnerability hangover or what, but I just felt like it was really hard for me to get back into the mic. , So where we had left off last episode, I was talking about dancing with my grief and. I cannot make this shit up. Okay. So that was September 5th, a Thursday, September 6th was Friday.
And that Friday, my dad was having, , a kind of birthday party in his building. They were going to have music and champagne at my dad's request. So he had proposed Friday morning champagne parties. Yes. At 9. 00 AM. So from nine to 10 music, champagne, dancing. So he asked me to come because this specific one was for his birthday celebration.
His birthday wasn't until the ninth, but this was the closest Friday to his birthday. So he asked me to join. So I got there a little late. I got there like, I guess, nine 30 and he was already dancing, having a good time. The music was going, the people in the building hanging out. , he's dancing with lots of different women, of course.
, this is my dad and it was very, It was more emotional than I thought it was going to be. , I felt fine at first and it was really nice to see him dancing and having fun. And then after a couple of songs, you know, he had noticed me and we, I said, Hey to him, he was still dancing. I'm talking with some of the other people in his building.
And. Another song came on and he like motioned for me to come dance with him. See, this is why this episode has to be on audio and cannot be on video because I can't, I don't think I couldn't get through this on video just yet. Um, and that's why I was stalling for the last almost two weeks sharing it with you.
But here we go, because I felt like this is important. , so he reaches out like gesturing for me to come and dance with him. I haven't danced with my dad since my wedding in 2015. So nine years, which I don't recommend going nine years between dancing with people, by the way. Um, but it just, that's how life has gone.
And so I instantly felt. Just so overwhelmed, the grief hit me so hard instantly. And I'll be honest with you, you know, when he reached out and the woman who was standing next to me, who she lives, you know, not live, she works in his building. She's like, your dad wants to dance with you. Go dance with your dad.
And. To protect myself, I felt like saying, I'm a little shy. That's not true. I'm not really shy. I like dancing. The truth was that in the moment, it felt like too much. And I had a moment where I felt like this too much. It's too much emotion. I cannot handle this for a lot of reasons.
And for a moment, I felt like I just wanted to go home. I just want, I just wanted to leave because it felt like I couldn't keep myself composed. And then I very quickly in my head was like, get your shit together. You're not going to leave, like pull it together and you're going to go dance with your dad.
And that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to dance with my dad,
but I didn't want to ugly cry.
In front of all these people. And then I was like, okay, well, you're going to have to, because. The song is not going to just stop like the song is going to continue and you're going to miss the music. You're going to miss the song.
You're going to miss the dance. You're going to miss the opportunity to dance. It's been nine years and you have this opportunity. Get your ass out there and dance. This is what I'm telling myself in my head. So I did. But when I did, I lost my shit. I was. ugly crying in front of this whole room. And I was embarrassed about it.
Even though I told you a couple of weeks ago that crying is healthy. I cry all the time. It's good to cry. And I know that, but like, it's different when you're doing it in front of all of these people in real life, not on a recording that I can edit because this, by the time you hear this, I'm editing out the parts where I've paused to cry for a second and get emotional and gather myself.
When you're in real life, you're in front of people, other human beings, and you start ugly crying. You can't hide from that. And so it was almost like the universe was like, Hey, you said this. So this is what you're going to do. You're going to dance with your grief. You said, you want to dance with your grief and you're going to do that.
When I said, I can't make this shut up. This is what I meant. Get out there and dance with my grief. And it was not easy, but I've said it before and I'll say it again. I came to grow and to evolve and to have experiences and to learn and to integrate and embody. And sometimes.
God is like, Hey, listen, this is what you signed up for. You said you're dancing with your grief. So I danced with my grief. And I ugly cried for like the first half of the song until I finally gathered myself and we danced. And I realized how wild I realized like later that afternoon, Oh my God, just yesterday I was sharing on my podcast and I'm doing this dance with grief of my mom and other things. Right. And old versions, of my dad's experience, you know, that he's had some, some stuff come up.
In the last five years. And, you know, there's versions of him that I grieve.
And so I danced with him
and it's not just that, but, , something I share quite a bit more about in my book that I'm still working on is my dad's grief, you know, him grieving the loss of his ex wife, the mother of his children, my mother, you know, he loved her deeply
No matter how many years since they were no longer a couple. And no matter how many future wives and girlfriends he had or relationships she was in, it didn't, none of that mattered. You know, none of that really changes the love that you have for somebody when they Are one of the loves of your life.
And she, I believe was the love of his life. Even though they had not been together in that way, and like 38 years, and even though he had a great relationship with , her husband, she was still the love of his life. And sometimes I could get so caught up in my grief and in my kid's grief, I would forget that he's grieving too.
And it hit him really hard. I believe if dad, if you're listening, I know, you know, but he was dancing with his grief as well. He has been
since April. So six months. For some reason on the last episode, I kept messing up the months. I was like blurring how many months it had been since I podcasted versus when my mom passed. And anyway. My dad's been dancing with his grief as well. So this felt important to share because something about me is I like bridges.
I need bridges. Sometimes I need transitions to get me from one place to another and where we left off with the last episode two weeks ago and jumping into another conversation that is feeling really important for me to share with you. I could not move forward on that without this bridge, without this transition.
And for the last almost two weeks, I've been wondering, why do I want to share this? Why does this feel important? I, I feel like I want to, but is it enough? And , I realized I have to share it with you because it's a bridge and I need a bridge. And maybe if you're somebody who enjoys the bridge and , the The transition as well.
Maybe you'll enjoy it too. And I do still feel sad. Maybe I was holding out talking into the microphone again, because I felt like maybe I sound too sad to be podcasting. Um, but I think that would be doing you a disservice because I sound sad because I am sad, and
I think it's okay to sound sad when you're sad, and it's okay to be sad, despite the messaging we get around the world and in society.
I hope you have found this somewhat helpful and I hope it's been a good reminder to you to dance, dance with your grief, dance with your feelings, ugly cry when you need to pep talk yourself. If you need to and be sad when you want to be sad, I hope you have a fantastic week.