How to Rise Above Toxic Behavior in the Birth Industry
Honestly, tolerating toxic people has never been my specialty. The sad truth is that the birth industry has its fair share of toxic personalities, and avoiding such behavior sometimes seems impossible.
Toxicity sounds counterintuitive because we are in an industry of service and support, but have you ever browsed some Facebook groups and encountered conversations that make you feel shocked and incredibly uncomfortable?
That is the kind of BS behavior I am talking about.
We all tell ourselves that nice bedtime story about how the birth industry is supportive, kind and collaborative. Don't get me wrong, it is like that in lots of places, but then there are those corners in your usual social media platforms like Facebook or IG where you can cut the tension with a knife.
Toxic behavior and competition seem to go hand in hand. I have talked about it before and will say it again: Some doulas fear competition with others in our field.
Give my podcast on competition in the online space a listen because I go over this in-depth – and a little louder for the people in the back: You do not have to fear competition. There are enough clients to go around. Remember: 130,000,000 births each year in the world. So why are we subjected to the arguments and negative talk directed towards each other?
The answer to that is complicated, nuanced and for the sake of time, let’s focus on rising above the BS.
Side note: There is a difference between toxic behavior and uncomfortable but essential conversations.
Uncomfortable but important conversations tend to have your best interest at heart, or the intent is education. Uncomfortable conversations are never easy, but you can come away learning something if you show up with an open mind and open heart.
Toxic conversations can leave you feeling angry or upset, with a side of dismissed. Provoking divisiveness, insensitivity, and narrow-mindedness tend to be tell-tales signs of toxic behavior in the birth industry.
Focus on Solutions while Avoiding Toxic Behavior
When working with their clients, successful birth professionals focus on the task at hand, and when a problem arises, they find a solution. This same technique can and should be applied when navigating conflicts with colleagues in the birth industry. Everyone has different ideas, and listening and working together towards a solution is the most solid way to diffuse any situation aside from walking away, but I will get to that in a second.
Establish Boundaries
Solid, well-defined boundaries are the key to avoiding toxic behavior because they empower you to own your sense of self, helping you navigate away from things that don’t align with you. If you aren’t certain how to set boundaries, here are some tips:
Confirm your priorities and values. These are your non-negotiable items.
Say no when you need to. It's okay, and once you have done it a few times, you will feel way more comfortable with no.
Take time off from certain FB communities, and step away from birth industry groups. These can be a lifeline, but they can also be too much. Does your feed cause a pit in your stomach, make you annoyed or cause you high-negative emotions too often? Close that tab and walk away. You can CHOOSE to engage in toxic conversations or choose to detach from them.
Lean on Your Support System
Your support team are doulas and birth professionals you connect with in safe containers, such as virtual support programs, classes, online groups or even in-person classes. They recognize your achievements, provide help where you need it, and can empathize with what you are going through. They get personal because they have similar values, interests or specialties.
Talk to your support team and ask them for objective advice. Often a neutral person can see things in a clear way that makes finding a solution that much easier. Better yet – walk away from the toxicity and find comfort in seeking out those you know and trust to be more aligned with the kinds of relationships and conversations you value. It helps when we have people in our corner to help and support us.
Crush Negative Self-Talk
I bet you don't even realize you do this. That internal dialogue that says you could be better, do better and look better. That voice has been rattling around in your head for so long that it sounds normal.
Spoiler alert: It's not. Be kinder to yourself because the fastest way to avoid toxic behavior is stopping it in you first.
The first way to combat negative self-talk is to pause. Take a moment and step back. Recognize that you are doing it.
Use positive language in its place. This will feel unnatural at first. Especially when I tell you to look yourself in the eye in the mirror and say, “I am smart, clever, beautiful and kind. Recite positive affirmations every morning when you get up and each night before bed. Trust me. You will love the change it brings in you.
Surround yourself with positive and uplifting content. Don't read comments, do read uplifting items. Don't follow negative talkers, do follow positive thought leaders.
Rising above - and expansion - happens when you consciously consume content. Be intentional with what you read, watch and listen to and who you follow online. Click ‘follow’ for educational, inspirational and non-judgmental communities. Before long, you will feel the difference and have a quick eye for toxic content, which will make it so much easier to avoid.